Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Identity Crisis

It's been an exceptionally difficult weekend. Can't pin-point it. Nothing out-of-the-ordinary has even happened. I just feel weird! Unsettled. Bored. Mentally UNstimulated. My conversations are pretty much extended to my 2 and 1 year old and my blog readers ... (both groups have a special place in my heart)

But That's Bad.

Sure, I have friends. But thanks to Facebook, I know what they're up to and we never even talk anymore! I miss chatting on the phone for hours and having regular human interaction.

How much of this is being a work-from-home mom, and how much is me being anti-social?

And I am just dying for a get-away! DH has been working so hard he's wearing thin - which doesn't help MY situation - and I know he needs a vacation, too. But we just can't right now.

Sorry for the negativity lately...

But I'm in a funk.

I want to do something fun and spontaneous!  Go to the amusement park, or up in the mountains... something! ANYTHING!

So here's the other thing... the thought of doing that makes me tired. I easily talk my way out of it (well, think my way out of it, I don't usually talk to myself, believe it or not!)

I guess my question is, is this a common mommy symptom? Do you ever feel trapped in your home/neighborhood/community? I mean, I FINALLY made it to WalMart today to pick up the contacts I ordered... they came in 3 weeks ago! I'm being lazy, I know.  However, this morning I actually woke up earlier than the boys this morning to use the Gazelle I got at a Yard Sale on Saturday (SO EXCITED!)... that wasn't lazy!

I'm venting now...

When I think about questions like:

What makes you laugh? What makes you cry? If you could have, do or be anything... what would that be?

I don't know!!

And that really bothers me. I'm a mom, I love my kids. I am grateful I can be home with them and raise them. The little things they do make me smile. In that element, I'm fine. Is that who I am? But when it comes to doing things that 5 years ago, before I had children or was married, I LOVED and KNEW and THRIVED on...

Goals. Aspirations. Motivation. It's still there, just sleeping. And I can't seem to wake 'em up.

And that's kind of depressing.

Hobbies are good. I have a few. I enjoy them. But they aren't enough.

I'm hoping/praying my most recent opportunity will be the one I've needed to find me again! To be ALICIA. Not just "Mom" and "Hun"... (which, I love, but I hope you know what I mean).

I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful brat...

But what happened to ME? MY Identity as an inidividual? As a woman? Friends are so important! I need to be in touch and send real-life hand-written cards again! (I used to be so good at that!). I need to make REAL LIFE phone calls and TALK. I need to reconnect.

I love you, internet, but you've made it WAY to EASY to be connected! I don't even have to say "HI" anymore to know what's going on in the lives of friends and family! And they don't have to say HI anymore to know how my kids are doing! And TEXTING! I used to hate it when someone would text instead of call. Now I am so GUILTY. I'm such a hypocrite! Am I afraid to talk? No, I don't think so... it's just EASIER (especially when it's someone you haven't talked to in a long while... like pretty much everyone...)!

If I call you, or you get a little "hello" from me, don't freak out. I think it's time we all start reconnecting in real life.

Wow. That was a tangent.

It's late. I'm going to sleep!


Emmy said...

I know I have gone through this at times. I think it is easy to feel lost especially with young kids. I have noticed even just one year older has made a difference in how much my kids play together and how much more I am able to be "me" a little more.
And all at the same time, it is whenever I fight against being a mom the most and am selfish that I get in that funk. When I try and really be there for my kids and enjoy it, then the me time I have seems to be that much better and I really am happier.
Which I need to really remind myself of as I feel myself slipping in to that funk again.
So {HUGS} you are normal, you are completely fine and I am sure you will make it out of it.
Take a break from all of this for a bit if you need to. I will still be here when you come back :)

Sarah said...

Oh hon...your not alone!! I run an inhome preschool so I am home every week day fom 6am till about 6pm. By the time everyone leaves I'm too tired to go off and do anything. On the weekends I just want to relax..not that that happens much, but I try. If I wanna see friends, they have to come here and deal with all the kiddos (I have great kiddos) talking and interupting etc. The online stuff truly keeps me sane!!
As for who you want to be....your young don't be so hard on yourself!! Just my thoughts. Hugs and hang in there, Sarah

SNM said...

It ended up being ridiculously long.. so I opted for an email instead. But i leave you this: SQUISH
(that's the sound of my e-hug..it's very bear like and tends to take the wind out of which ever poor dear in on the receiving end)

Lins said...

You poor girl. I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm not a mama, but I can relate to the not feeling connected thing. I have to really go out of my way to have quality time with real, live, people. I'm sure if I added kids and a husband into the mix it would make it that much more difficult.

I'll be praying for you. If you need some contact you know where to find me. :)

The Gonzales 'Ohana said...

Oh, Alicia...yes, you are so, so normal. That's just part of being a Mommy. Sometimes you just long for "ADULT interaction". You just want to have a conversation with an adult for a change. I remember going through that, too many years ago when my kids were little and hubby was working all day. Hang in there. I remember calling a friend (long before texting and facebook) and saying, "I just needed to hear an adult voice." Haha. It gets easier when your kids get older. They entertain each other more and you can have more "Mommy time". And then, before you know it, you'll be longing for "KID interaction" with your kids because they become teenagers and they start to "ditch" you for friends and you actually miss talking to them. :) Ah, the circle of life as a stay-at-home Mom. :)
Hey, you can call ME! :)

The Smiths said...

I so know how you feel, Alicia. I have had that funk before..and somewhat in it now. It helps to get out.
I used to write notes all the time as well...and now, Like you said, the internet has made everything too easy.
I think that is my goal for this week, to send out hand written notes to family. Even in your vents you motivate me!!